By moonlight

"But there's no release, no peace
I toss and turn without cease
Like a curse, open my eyes and rise like yeast"

 

Insomnia, by Faithless

 

Ok, so except for that last bit about the yeast (?), the rest sounds pretty accurate - but with a twist. Imagine being really really tired, going to sleep, entering the blessed state of sleeping and relaxing (Amen, Reverent!), and then waking up every 45' or so throughout the night. Aaaaaall night. For almost two months now.

Funny how the mind plays tricks on you under such conditions. You start off quite lightly, just feeling a bit tired, but "oh well, I'll sleep earlier tonight and make up for it". Then you start feeling a bit ill, just wondering if you're coming down with something, and as a result you feel you need to sleep. Which leads to you not sleeping, of course. And then you start having problems concentrating during the day, you just can't focus on things for too long, plus you get random events of extreme sleepiness. But you sort of expect all that.

The fun begins after all that. You find your concentration not completely gone, as before, but actually working at completely random instances, switching on and off in mid-sentence, leaving you wondering just what the hell you were talking/thinking about. You become uncertain of what people are saying to you, you think you understand what they say, only to find that they said something quite different which you forgot a few moments after they stopped speaking - "I'm sorry, what have you been saying for the past 3 hours?". Your grip on reality becomes less firm, and you're wondering what actually happened. Oh, and you start hearing/imagining things during the night, as you wake up again and again to noises that aren't really there (the rhythmic inexistent bass line is my all time favourite, followed close by the ultrahigh pitch).

The doctor has prescribed Valiums in the past, but these make me a nice person and, as such, upset my usual way of acting and thinking. So thanks, but no thanks. Also, usual remedies don't seem to work - let me be clear though, I absolutely refuse to go jogging after work, simply on principle.

On the same night theme, I've just finished reading a book entitled "Midnight's Children", by Salman Rushdie - highly recommended, if a bit difficult to follow at time.

I can't get no sleep...

 

(Rise like yeast... mmm?)

People come and people go

In the general scheme of things (life), that's what always happens from one's individual point of view. People enter one's life and, after some time, they leave. Even if that person is the one leaving, the same is true from the point of view of someone else. Also, things in life come in groups, never singled out. A friend of mine back in school developed this theory by which you either have no girls interested in you, or a multitude going after you, but rarely something in between (keep in mind that this was high school, ok?). By taking this thought a bit further, we can speculate that the same applies in most things, such as friends, jobs, money etc. People usually make a reference to things coming in pairs or threes, but the chain doesn't have to stop there. It's sort of like the tide, which either brings water and new things ashore, or takes water and old things and sends them travelling to wherever it is things that are adrift go, until they land somewhere else again.

Why am I saying all this? Well, the tide is changing again from my perspective. I came to St Andrews and left people behind, so in a sense they were taken by the tide further away from me. I met new people here, made friends while the tide was high. But it is the time now that people are leaving, and I'm just standing on the shore watching them ride the waves towards new destinations. It has been happening for a while now, but it will peak within the next few months. It's not all bad.

It saddens me to see people leave, especially since knowing how bad I am at holding on to people that are not in my immediate surroundings, I somehow know that keeping in touch with them will be only a possibility (and not a certainty). People that I've learnt to rely on (and by that I mean anything from just having them around me, therefore relying on them for a sense of belonging and familiarity, to literally me depending on them) have been going away one way or another for some time now, but I'm not used to it yet. I hope I never will or, rather, I hope I won't have to. But as I said, it's not all bad.

People leaving are usually doing so in order to achieve something, to make things better for themselves, or to get away from things that aggravate them. It is a good thing for people to move on, as such is the human nature, to always reach up for more, to always struggle for what's better. People have always waited (and relied on) the high tied to begin new voyages and journeys, and people being left behind have always been saddened by that; they have also always been happy that someone was able to leave, that another part of their family/community is now venturing towards a better world. Parting is such a sweet sorrow, no?

I shall watch another high tide come and go. With every tide that comes, I find myself looking less and less for new things that have drifted ashore, but I have always watched the high tide go. And when this cycle is over, I will not be sad. After all, I'm only waiting for one of those high tides myself...

Additional info

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 50% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% Antisocial |||||||||||| 50% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 70% Histrionic |||||||||||| 46% Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||||||| 34% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 70% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 46%

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Anniversary

Well, it's been a month since I last posted anything here. In the meantime, the site meter claims I got 1,000 hits so far. A nice round number.
For the most observant of you, ever since I announced to the world that I'll stop being depressing in my posts, I hardly posted anything but a few random thoughts. For the keenest of the observers amongst you, this just verifies my older claim that I only post when I don't feel that good. Finally, for those of you that like to extrapolate facts based on your keen observational skills, that means I'm doing well.
In any case, I was thinking about shutting this blog down - I hardly ever post anything anymore. However, I'm not going to do such a thing, and that's because I know that, some time further down the way, I'll find myself wanting to post things, or just missing this opportunity to share some thoughts of mine with the, er, you people out there. Sort of. I guess.

Catch you later!